Funny Wedding Vows To Make You Laugh

• I promise not to hit you too hard when you’re snoring in the night.
• I promise to always support your dreams, even the one about (insert far-fetched dream).
• I promise to be a loving and faithful partner to you. And patient, incredibly patient.
• I promise to blame you when I flake on plans. Because I totally want to go!
• I promise to find a tactful way to tell our guests we prefer cash over homeware.
• I promise to laugh at all your jokes, even when I’m the only one.
• I promise to let you win the occasional argument, even when I’m right.
• I promise to open jars for you and pretend that you loosened it.
• I promise to open the bedroom window when you are hot even if I am totally freezing.
• I promise to pause the TV when you want to talk the entire way through.
• I promise to take your side when our children inevitably attempt to gang up on us.
• I promise to trust you when you ignore the sat nav because you know a short-cut.
• I promise to wear this ring as a symbol of our love that I’ll absolutely lose at the gym.
• I promise not to moan about visiting your parents at the weekend.
• And lastly, I vow that I will choose you every day, a million times over, not because I have to, but because I want to.
• As one volcano said to the other, I have a dream I hope will come true that you’ll grow old with me and I’ll grow old with you – I thank the earth, sea – the sky I thank too – I lava you.
• Does this mean I have to stop referring to you by your last name?
• I can’t wait to take your last name – I am going to totally steal your identity.
• I could stand here and tell you how much I love you, but those words mean nothing unless they are shown through repeated little acts of devotion.
• I love you, truly, madly, deeply… and I was thinking – maybe we should get married.
• I love your stupid face and vow that I will put up with whatever you can throw at me—if you think you can put up with my mess.
• I promise not to drink your drinks, even though I am thirsty and your drink is literally right there.
• I promise not to make fun of the way you pack… or to second-guess your packing skills. Even if you shove things in the back of the car willy-nilly without considering how everything might fit.
• I promise not to spend all our life savings during the January sales.
• I promise not to take the first sip of your drink before giving it to you.
• I promise not to turn the light on, open the curtains or deliberately clatter about when you have a hangover.
• I promise that as your wife, I will not keep score, even though I am totally winning.
• I promise that you will be as important to me as coffee, as chocolate, and as all the episodes of Grey’s put together.
• I promise to agree that you really are the best driver on the road and always know exactly where you’re going.
• I promise to always get rid of the spiders, even though I’m more scared than you.

Funny Wedding Vows To Make Him/Her Laugh

• I promise to always respect your choice of music in the car when you are driving. If you are not driving, however…
• I promise to be your co-pilot, your navigator, and to bring snacks on our road trip through life.
• I promise to buy you takeout for dinner every night because I love you too much to allow you to fall victim to my cooking.
• I promise to buy you your favourite chocolate when you’re sad (even if it takes two supermarket trips).
• I promise to comfort you when your football team loses… again.
• I promise to continue to make your friends jealous of our amazing relationship.
• I promise to embrace all your weird habits, even when you eat peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon.
• I promise to get up and get the remote from across the room, even if it was not I who placed the remote so very far away.
• I promise to hire a professional, even if I really want to try to do it (and probably make it worse) myself.
• I promise to let you know when you’re making a slight error in fashion judgement.
• I promise to listen to Hamilton with you about a million times, but I am not giving away my … shot.
• I promise to listen when you’re talking to me about sports, beer, or whatever you talk about, and not just look at my phone saying, ‘Hmm, yes, dear.’
• I promise to love you at all times – even during football season.
• I promise to love you even as you scroll endlessly though Netflix without actually picking something to watch.
• I promise to love you for eternity and to trust you with my credit card.
• I promise to love you through Ikea, be it during the buying or assembly of furniture procured therein.
• I promise to love you, honor you, but not obey because that’s a little creepy.”
• I promise to make you a bacon sandwich when you’re hungover.
• I promise to never keep score, even when I’m clearly winning.
• I promise to never watch the next episode on Netflix without you, no matter how much I want to.
• I promise to put up with your favourite TV shows if you put up with mine…and yes this does include Love Island.”
• I promise to refill the toilet paper that you very likely will never refill. I mean how hard is it?
• I promise to share the covers, leave the light on, make sure the toilet paper is stocked, not use all the hot water, and do as many dishes as I can stomach, as long as we both shall live, so help me, God.
• I promise to take you in sickness and in health, regardless of the dangerous stuff I put you through!
• I promise to tell you what you can pull off clotheswise and be honest when it’s just not working.
• I promise to explain calmly that you’re not leaving enough stopping distance between our car and the one in front of it.
• I take you to be my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, until death do we part or you turn into a zombie. Because then we’re going to have to start seeing other people.
• I vow as your wife to always support your dreams, even the one about the whale in the living room.
• I vow never to steal your covers, unless you are hogging them.
• I vow not to carry on watching a Netflix series we started together without you. Or at least pretend it’s the first time I’ve watched it when we watch it again.

Funny Wedding Vows To Make Him/Her Laugh And Cry At Same Time

• I vow not to take any of your less pleasing habits personally, even though I really wish you would put the keys back on the key hook, and not leave your shoes in the middle of the hallway, and I love you.
• I vow to always keep fighting for us, because I know we can overcome any uphill battles we might face.
• I vow to be there when you start Netflix marathons and finish actual marathons.
• I vow to be your spell checker, grammar friend, and tell you when things need hyphens. I promise to be your partner in exercise, even if I am much faster than you, and most of all, I promise to try things, even though I am sure I will not like them, just because you say, ‘Try this!’
• I vow to celebrate with you when the Patriots win, and blame Bill Belichik for everything when they lose.
• I vow to keep reminding you McDonald’s is unhealthy and to go get that mole checked, because I want to live long, happy lives by each other’s side.
• I vow to laugh, for real, at your every joke no matter how stupid or poorly told. I love you that much.
• I vow to love you even as you scan through all those movies without picking one to actually watch.
• I vow to open jars for you and pretend that you loosened it, even though we both know it was my manly muscles that opened that thing.
• I vow to protect you from spiders as long as we both shall live.
• I vow to somehow get to the end of this thing without ugly crying. I hope I can keep that one!
• I vow to stand by your side when the zombie apocalypse comes, and should you be turned into one, I promise to let you bite me, so I can too be one and, therefore, stay by your side forever.
• I vow to stay silly, to never take ourselves too seriously, and stay just immature enough for grilled cheese and breakfast for dinner.
• I vow to take your hand when it’s too dark, and the dog out when it’s too early.
• I want your worst—give me your bad hair days, your long commutes, your burnt coffee, lost keys, splashed shoes, annoying coworkers, lost receipts, broken copiers, give me your every day, and I will give you my love to make it alright.
• I, take you, to be my awful wedded wife, to have and to scold, from this day fast-forward for better but not worse, for richer, sans poorer, forget sickness only in health, to loathe and to cherish, till suspicious death do we part.
• If you promise to kill the spiders, I’ll promise to make your lunch, if you take out the trash (and the dog at night), I will make the bed. And if you love me, I will love you.
• Let’s forget when to shut up, forget being polite, let’s be that couple, those people, and have the time of our lives until we drop dead.
• Once I take your hand, I promise I’ll never let you go – our clothes will have to be specially made – but it’ll be worth it.
• This is a lot of pressure, huh, I better not blow this—I _____ take you…what’s your name again?
• This ring is a symbol of how you’ve got me wrapped around your finger.
• Who loves you, baby? Me… that wasn’t rhetorical.. I really meant… I am the one who loves you… baby.
• You’re my favorite deputy – I love you to infinity and beyond!
• “I will not vow to be noble or to live our lives in perfect harmony,
  because there is no such thing nor should there be.
  We promise only to do our best and live out our lives.
  Dear God, that’s all we can promise in truth.
  Marry me – come and be my wife,
  And let us try before we die
  To make some sense of life.
  We’re neither pure nor wise nor good; we’ll do the best we know;
  We’ll build our house, and chop our wood, and make our garden grow.”